MCV Compact
Lemon Ruski Book of Gay Records
By Josh Dare
Record: $237
Richest gay man
With remaining accumulated assets (including property, car, CD collection and hair products) totalling $237 after deducting outstanding debt, Malcolm Gertrude of Colombia is unquestionably the richest gay man on the planet.
Record: 3 minutes, 26 seconds
Longest period of abstinence between two consenting gay male adults
Dirk Fiddler and Hosé Sanchos of Alabama, USA, successfully abstained from sex for a record-breaking 3 minutes and 26 seconds on July 22, 1993 while Hosé said an extended goodbye to his prior lover before moving on to Dirk.
Record: First
‘Straight’ man to be bedded
John Freddick of Albuquerque, US, proved in 1834 that ‘straight’ really does equate to ‘straight to bed’ by being the first heterosexual lured in to the sack by a card-carrying queer after too many lemon sours and an ill-fated match of strip poker – paving the way for countless more victims.
Record: 3 seconds
Fastest time of Saltshakers to jump on ‘controversial’ material
When MCV published to word ‘doodle’ on May 18th 2004, it took outraged Saltshakers a record three seconds from the time the paper hit the streets to start burning effigies of the editor – besting their own previous record of 5 seconds after the publication of two fully-clothed homosexual men in the same photograph.
Record: 54,897
Most sexuality denials issued by a public figure
Ian Thorpe broke records both in the pool and out (of the pool that is, not the closet) by issuing a staggering 54,897 denials regarding his blatant homosexuality. Not always wearing pearls, but often that mesh face mask thing.
Record: 12
Most penises simultaneously accommodated in one person
Bill Calder of Nantucket USA holds the record for most penises accommodated within his body, with a record 12 penises inserted in his orifices at one time, on December 25 1998. Bill credits his three-cock smile, five-cock rectum, and an excess of wine coupled with a recess of decorum at his family’s Christmas do.
Record: 16
Most sexually transmitted diseases simultaneously accommodated in one person
Bill Calder of Nantucket USA holds the record for most simultaneous sexually transmitted diseases, strangely even including a rare strain of vaginitis. A remarkable new STD was also discovered; as crabs and scabies had interbred and created ‘scrabies’ – the outbreak of which claimed 11 lives during 1999, whose memories will be forever immortalised as the Itchy Eleven. Lest we forget, and scratch.
Record: 26,000 cheeks
Most amount of blushes from misinformed protestors
When 13,000 people took to the streets in protests of a new "homophobic" commercial, the resulting revealing of said commercial caused 26,000 cheeks to blush simultaneously in embarrassment for having being conned into rallying against the harmless image of a woman lying down on a rug. Seems overt carpet-munching lesbianism was a bit of an exaggeration.
Record: 569
Most amount of inappropriate innuendos in one hour
An exultant Rob Lewis dropped an amazing 569 innuendos during a one-hour session on March 14, 2002. Upon hearing he’d set a record, Rob exclaimed "blow me", "I can’t wait to get my special prize", and that he was going to take his medal "ALL the way home".