Hi. I’m 39 but say 25 coz that’s how old the work experience girl guessed I was last week. I’ll say my job is ‘media’ because I work down the road from the café that caters to some Channel 7 production crews. I’m going to put as little text here as possible because I’m afraid the more I put, the more desperate I’ll look. I have my dick size as ‘extra large’, coz everyone chooses ‘large’ so I figure it means average. I’ve got a bit of gut going on, but hey – at least it covers up my hideous genital rash. I’m looking for a hook-up, if by hook-up you mean three hours of pseudo dirty talk followed by me dropping offline unexpectedly.

We’d just find something else to bitch about. And it could be YOU.

Phat pants and fluros, all brightly glowing

Bright disco lights and smoke machines blowing

Little boyfriends who give me my pings

These are a few of my favourite things

Now that’s just taking the joke too far.

"Call 9429 6110 for a good time. I can recite poetry ALL NIGHT LONG."

"Looking for girlfriend with spacious and light two bedroom apartment in city area."

"Be here Tuesday nights at 9pm for KD Lang recital. Bring own Birkenstocks."

"What do you call a lesbian with long, thick fingers? Well hung."

"Free the tampon five!"

"Rebecca Ciccone washes her hair."

We’d all have a merry Christmas.

Straight women would be walking around in totally the wrong shoes that didn’t match their outfit, having been forced to shop without their compadre. Commercial Road would be nothing more than a smelly fish market. Fag hags would known by their proper name: long-term dieters. Television would be a barren wasteland of Footy Show replicas, coz we all know that anything of substance was put together by a fag. Kylie’s latest release: I Believe In Donating Money To Washed Up Soap Stars. MCV would stand for ‘Melbourne Communist Voice’.

We’d have to put up with a million different spelling variations of ‘women’: womyn, womin, wimen, whoamen, nomen…

"Oh you should’ve seen it Barry, no shit – there were seven people crammed in me last night. And get this – not one above five inches. It was such a laugh… And Little Miss Sniffy was back in here as well, you know who I mean. She’s gonna have no septum left at this rate. Eww, I just noticed the cleaner missed a spot! I hope no one needs toilet paper coz they’re gonna be in for quite a nasty surprise…"

How much wood could a psycho dyke chop if a psycho dyke could chop wood?

"Ho ho ho, well hello there little girl! Tell Santa what you want for Christmas. Ho ho ho, a Barbie doll! You don’t want a Barbie doll! Wouldn’t you rather have something that doesn’t oppress women by reinforcing negative feminine stereotypes? An Ezy-Bake oven? Tell you what little girl, you stay on your best behaviour and I’ll bring you your very own copy of the Female Eunuch by Germaine Greer and a GI Joan doll… Ho ho ho."

romeo_verona4u: All I long for is to hold someone.

romeo_verona4u: The greatest miracle would be to find a witness to my life.

loosehole.ivanhoe: how big’s ya cock man?