Alarm goes off. Yawn, shower, work, mundane existence, Desperate Housewives, bed. There’s nothing more depressing than a Monday after a satisfying weekend. Who put bloody Monday adjacent to the weekend I’ll never know, but here’s how to deal with the (ordinarily friendly but in this light) stupid scum-sucking mofos that infect every corner of your office.

My first instinct is to tell you to keep partying. A tried and true method, for sure – but they’re not paying me to write a Clubber’s Guide to Tuesday as well, so no point in you delaying the inevitable.

First of all: you want to avoid all conversation. Avoid Big Brother’s eviction; the scurge of Monday morning idle chit chat. If anyone asks how your weekend was, a simple ‘good’ will suffice. If pressed for more info, just grunt a ‘went out’. A picture tells a thousand words, and that little phrase paints a very vivid little picture of your extracurricular activities. Do not – I repeat – do not introduce anything to the work environment Monday. This includes haircuts, new accessory, new clothes – hell, even a different tie is out of the question; lest you want to field relentless queries on the ‘new you’. Get yourself a regular Monday outfit – something comfy that diverts attention from the bags under your eyes. Bring parachute pants back into style.

If you truly cannot cope with life outside – don’t worry, we’ve all been there – then here’s a tip from the experts (well, me) that’s water tight. Most companies now insightfully request a medical certificate if you have a Monday off - you can easily get yourself one of those babies by going down to your GP and getting a sexual health blood test. You should be getting checked regularly anyway, and what an easy excuse to spend a day watching TV. Go forth and flounder, sunshine.