Night clubs and psychological warfare are two phrases not often linked, but a little simple psychological know-how can help you make the most of your clubbing experience.

A few body language cues will help the social intercourse flow smoothly into sexual intercourse. Pay attention to feet: people subconsciously point their feet at the object of their attentions, whether they want to show it or not. Not so easy to gauge when they’re doing the Melbourne shuffle, so try to stop them dancing first. Maybe request the DJ plays that Crazy Frog song (seriously, it’s number one on the club chart - what’s with that?).

Crossed arms are often a sign of closed communication channels. Again, if they’re waving their hands in their air like they just don’t care, not a good time. Surprisingly, I’ve recently been informed it’s a bad sign when people turn their backs to you. Up until now I thought they were presenting.

The most important psychological tactic the disconcerting clubber can learn is conditioning. Look into Pavlov’s dogs, but basically, any person can be conditioned into a certain response from a particular action. Pavlov made dogs drool just by ringing a dinner bell, and you too can make drinks appear simply by ‘accidentally’ dropping something on the floor, revealing your undie band as you bend to pick it up. Make dates appear by scratching your chest to reveal your abs. Make bartenders appear by leaning forward to show your cleavage. But most importantly, make guys or girls that are pestering you disappear by slapping them upside the head.