We all know the story. You’re standing round at the club, having a good time, maybe dancing… and then, all of a sudden, some smarmy git with a crappy digital camera gets in your face asking to take your picture for the paper. I mean, c’mon! It’s not your fault you were born beautiful. But believe it or not, the photographers are paid to do this, so they’re just doing their job. After all, would you stop a fireman from running into a burning house?

A few simple steps will ensure your photographer captures your essence - the embodiment of all things funky and fresh that you hold within. Firstly – now this is important, so make a note of this – contrary to popular belief, photographs turn out better when your eyes are open. Revolutionary, I know, but who can keep up with technology now-a-days? And we’ve also been around the scene long enough to know that you may be synonymous with the club (like, you can’t spell Market without Mark) but that’s no reason to get you in every shot. Like a sale on Target panties, it’s a limit of one per customer.

And although stunning themselves, snaps of the MCV photographers won’t be going in the scene pix – so offers to take a photo of them are kind but unnecessary. Speaking of offers though, after doing up to 8 clubs in a weekend, a stiff drink or a friendly hello is more than welcome (failing that, swap it round for a friendly drink or a… oh never mind).

Oh and one final note: make sure you tell us when it’s you or your mate’s birthday, because we don’t hear that nearly enough.