Clubber’s Guide to…
Straights In Gay Clubs
Overheard in a gay club recently: "I mean, I’m not heterophobic or anythin’. I don’t care what they do behind closed doors, but I just wish they wouldn’t flaunt it in my face. Surely they could at least try and act a little gay in public. Ohmigod look at her hair, hideous!"
So begins the tale of a broken gaydar. Straights are invading the gay clubs - the smell of beer and footy is overwhelming. And their favourite joke?
Q. How do you know when a gay man is trying to pick you up?
A. They’re breathing.
It’s funny coz it’s true, but don’t be a statistic and fall victim to straights’ "Are they staring at me because I’m staring at them, or because they want me?" mind game - straight rarely means straight to bed. Like a deer caught in headlights, the hetties stare because they’re just taken aback by the intricate web of wonder we’ve weaved for ourselves in club land. Maybe we can accept that as an excuse for the eternal question, "So… when did you know you were gay?" (The answer being, of course, when I started asking people when they knew they were gay).
The least we could do is not to reinforce our sexual predator stereotype. So the next time a straight boy is going down on you, be sure to reassure him by saying it’s OK – you’ve got heaps of straight friends. In fact, one of your best mates is straight. Just don’t tell him it’s his dad.