First of all, get common as muck. Drink swill, like VB. Grab your crotch and tell the blokes about how you were ‘fucking this bird last night, right’. Pink and fucia are colours that wil.l never appear in your wardrobe. Tell jokes like “What’s the difference between microwaves and anal sex? A microwave won’t turn your meat brown”. Get a ute, even if it’s one of the utes with the plastic cover that doesn’t come off, making the tray useless. Failing that, an HSV with the obligatory ‘boy pissing on Ford logo’ sticker. Bang on about how much you love footy, remembering to always include yourself in the team (“we lost” / “we suck” / “we were fucking this bird last night, right”).

And finally, be prepared for the backlash from everyone else – because the instant one drop of alcohol hits your lips, the guard comes down. And, just like with all straight acters, the inner mincer comes out to play – at full force as well; coz after being repressed for so long it’s a bit of binge flame. Standing ovation! Encore!