When meeting people out, there are times that you want to present yourself in a certain way - like a Coldplay song that sounds meaningful until you actually bother listening to the lyrics. Here are a few handy hints on how to pull the veil over strangers’ unsuspecting eyes.

Firstly, a bit of extra intelligence never goes astray and it’s amazing how easily people can be fooled by sprinkling some unnecessarily big words into your conversation. Try ‘ubiquitous’ instead of everywhere, ‘nugatory’ instead of not important, ‘parsimonious’ for tight arse and – my favourite – ‘circumlocution’, meaning "the use of many words to express an idea that might be expressed by few". For example, this column.

Secondly, any paranoia you feel about yourself can be easily projected on to somebody else. For instance, if you’re worried that you’re being a bit vague, all you need to do is starting asking them why they’re so vague (even though they’re not). Their new-found paranoia should steam roll any potential dispersions on your character.

If they’re not yet confused or self-conscious, they’re probably the non-stop chatter type. Act interested, simply by repeating the last words they say as a question. "As a question?" Yeah, it totally fools them. "Fools them?" etc.

And most importantly, don’t forget this little trick. Make a point of scratching inside your leg just a little bit above your knee, and then nonchalantly mention that your manhood is a little itchy – you’ll be the belle of the ball.