In my day, you could go out with 5c and still have money left over for a jam doughnut and a coke on the way home. Of course, we didn’t call them jam doughnuts but commie surprises, and we had to walk 50 miles in the snow to get to the nearest drag show. So let me tell you a thing or two about budgeting.

First of all, door staff are weak. Don’t succumb to their powers of repetition ("You’re not on the door list, you’re not on the door list"). Persist and ramble off guest list names (like John) until you hit the jackpot or until they realise hey, what do they care – they’re getting paid in drink tokens. That don’t even include spirits.

Next up, if you got bootie, then you got free drinks too. Girls, this is the reason you were born with boobs. Guys, this is the reason you were born so damn slutty. Pick your targets wisely: I recommend anyone over the age of 25, as they’re all sad, lonely and desperate people. You want to demand a drink that says you have moderate tastes – say, a red bull and vodka.

Ciggies are easy – people give ‘em away like candy. But if they don’t, they often leave them unattended on tables. Not saying you should do anything illegal like stealing, I’m just sayin’…

By now, you’re probably wondering what the $10 is for. That’s to buy yourself some Clearasil before you go out – coz, let’s face it, nobody likes a pimply whore.