We all know when we should quit something. With pokies, it’s "when it’s no longer fun, walk away". With smoking, it’s "when your coughed-up lumps of phlegm threaten to take over the planet". Course, it’s hard to do when you’re surrounded with dancing chimney stacks at the clubs each weekend. But with your good friend Clubber’s Guide (who, incidentally – just quit), it’s a cinch.

First of all, ween yourself off the habit by using a substitute. Find something tubular to bring toward your mouth and take away in a repetitive motion for around five minutes. I got the help all I needed with that from my dad, who was more than happy to assist. He bought me some of those nicotine puffer things. Totally don’t recommend them though; everyone said it made me look like a cocksucker.

And most find it hard to drink again once they quit. That’s why, instead of drinking what you usually do, you should drink something that’s totally vile and makes you blotto straight away so you just plum ‘forget’ that you smoke. For heavy smokers, I recommend turps.

After all the stress, you’ll realise the biggest shock with quitting smoking is find out what fast food really tastes like. And withdrawal symptoms can be a shocker, so warn your friends – smoking doesn’t kill people, people who are trying to quit smoking kill people.