Now before you get your Depends in a twist, don’t fret. Although Clubber’s Guide may still be considered a youth under against many guidelines, we’re well aware that this doesn’t apply to an overwhelming majority of community members. The remainder, however, need to learn a few simple steps to maintain decorum throughout their autumn years.

Firstly, dress sense. Far be it from us to dictate what you can wear, the choice is totally up to you – but just keep in mind, the same as we’d lambast Britney for showing a bit too much flesh, there’s certain parts of any body that are generally offensive, and should definitely be kept covered. Some would say my face is offensive and should be covered, but – they don’t have a column, eh?

Secondly, why belonging to the gay community bypasses general acceptable standards I’ll never know – but you’re not doing your generation any favours by exposing yourselves in public places like, oh I dunno – the lounge area of a certain pub I could name. And on that note, while it may be flattering on some level to be hit on, the flattery doesn’t increase with repeated denials; nor are we playing ‘hard to get’ and have a magical number of attempts you have to make before you can get ‘the goods’.

The minor points out of the way, there’s a very happy ending to this guide. Without any detractors, you’ll realise that being in the upper tier of our community not brings much-deserved respect, but the opportunity – nay, the right – to smack lil mouthy spring chickens (like me) upside the head when they start flapping their gums. Just like you, they’ve gotta earn it.