"Two thousand and six" rhymes with dicks, chicks, flicks and so on, so expect plenty of parties or nights called ‘Chicks with dicks 2006’ or whatever. You will not hold up any of your ill-planned resolutions. The Commonwealth Games are coming to Melbourne – woo for international recognition of "the world’s most liveable city", boo for hardcore traffic and the sudden realisation that visiting gays from overseas are actually as annoying as gays from home. There will be at least three parties on that you have no interest in but attend anyway because your friends are and besides, you’re chasing cock. 2006 is the year of the dog, so many a drag queen should experience phenomenal success. You will get so written off on Australia Day, Labour Day and Melbourne Cup long weekends that you forget where you live, in turn making you vow never to club again – which will last until, at the very most, the next weekend.

But must importantly, you will experience several moments of finer clarity caused by random acts of strangers while clubbing that will not only affirm your belief in the good of the world, but in the virtues and benefits clubbing and remind why you started in the first place. And for that, I wish you a happy new year.