Picture this – you’re at a party, everything’s going swimmingly and you’ve entertained a captive audience for the best part of 15 minutes with your "amazing" stories… when suddenly, without warning, the unthinkable happens: someone more interesting than you shows up and steals your flock.

Devastating for sure, but don’t let them steal your overbearing thunder. You can up the boring ante with your trusty Clubber’s Guide to party tricks.

Now, party tricks don’t just happen spontaneously – plan yours well in advance. Start by examining yourself for deformities. The most popular is double-jointedness, so try bending all kinds of crazy shit backwards - like your thumbs, fingers, elbows… neck. Failing that, hopefully you’ll have an odd growth somewhere (and a surprising amount of people are born with a tail, so double check).

A few of the people in my circle found some vocal party tricks, so I now have the sporadic chirps of a dolphin, a crying baby or a rooster when conversation lulls. Follow their lead and just try to make the most annoying noise possible.

If all else fails and you can’t find a natural way shock and awe, then take a leaf out of Paris Hilton’s book and go whore – so try deep throating a Coke bottle Madonna style, otherwise you’d best be increasing your nimbleness downstairs coz it’s Puppetry of the Penis-style dick tricks for you my friend. Go show ‘em what you’re made of.