Now, it’s only natural for you club heads to be thinking "Just what do normal people do anyway?" Hate to be the one that breaks it to you, but normal people are totally boring, that’s why they don’t club. They do stuff like visit Grandma and help round the garden, or they stay in and watch Hey Hey It’s Saturday or whatever bullshit TV they put on Saturday night to pass the time for all the losers who don’t go out. But even if the telly is totally crapola, you should definitely not watch Human Traffic or any other pro-clubbing movie, coz you won’t be able to resist the temptation to go out – try something like Requiem for a Dream instead.

If you’re still stumped for what to do, just start counting down – only seven more days til you can club again…