The main lesson: lying is your friend. You might be thinking it’s a terrible thing to say, but you’ll be thinking out the other side of your asshole when Mr or Missus Ol Ball ‘n’ Chain is going bitch bitch bitch about how they just want to spend time alone with you. Like, come on, we spend heaps of time together when we’re asleep and stuff, and does watching Big Brother together silently on the couch mean nothing to you? So yeah, tell ‘em you’re spending a lot of time with your sick mother (for authenticity, maybe even make your mother sick – bird flu?) or even swing by your local TAFE and grab some pamphlets to scatter round the place so you can lay the foundations for a regular ‘Saturday night pottery class’ lie.

If that’s not your bag, you’d better hope that ditching is – coz they’ll probably want to come out with you if you can’t lie your way out of it, and who wants to hang out with Soppy McGee when there’s awesome fun to be had? Make frequent toilet breaks and inadvertently detour on the way back.

And as a footnote – don’t be holding your breath for a Clubber’s Guide to… Breaking Up. At this rate, it’ll sort itself out soon enough.