One type of wanker you always meet is the kind that tell you that they’re psychic. They then tap their temple and say stuff like, I can tell – you’ll go far in life, or your job (or if they’re cocky, their pants). Their ‘powers’ are usually explained by some sort of mother / pregnancy / low overhead powerlines encounter, and dismissed by the remark that if they were truly psychic they would use their ‘sick’ sense to get the message of pure hate you broadcast quite violently the whole time they talk to you.

Oh and then there’s the psychologist, who, after meeting you for a brief five seconds, goes onto deconstruct your personality and tells you you’re ‘being someone you’re not’ or some blah blah blah bullshit. Point them in the direction of the psychic wanker, they definitely need it more.

And topping the list of wankers, are the head fucks. Sure, playing with randoms is fun for a bit, but actually going on with that stupid ‘my mother is dead’ routine for literally hours before going, "Dude, I was totally messing with your head" is just lame. The easiest solution? In the same manner, say to the head fuck "So, hey, slept with your boyfriend." When do fess up to messing with his head, you ask? Here’s the trick: you ain’t lying.