Well, la di dah – the Commonwealth Games bandwagon has rolled into town. I would be excited; bar the fact that tickets to the opening ceremony alone cost about $350. The only other opening ceremony I’ve known to cost so much is the opening of a prostitute’s legs. So with the budget of your average clubber in mind, here’s how to recreate the feeling of Commonwealth Games in your very own nightclub.

Anyone who has been to the toilets of a gay nightclub has no doubt witnessed a bit of fencing action; and lesbians already know the finer details of boxing, so no need for me to dive into that one. Hurdles; well, I sure as hell don’t queue up outside nightclubs in the freezing cold for hours – and there’s only one way to skip over that velvet rope. After drinking too much, most have to do 100 metre sprint to the toilet, but triathlon? Round clubbing circuits, you complete a triathlon when you’re going to the after party of the recovery… of the party that was two days ago. Yes, the spirit of the games is never too far away, bar one fact – in these games, there ain’t any winners: only losers.