Friday the 13^th? Pfft, never believed in the superstition myself. (Though maybe that black cat crossing my path while I was walking under a ladder few years ago has something to do with my terrible record in bed...) However, Friday the 13^th of August saw the 2004 Olympics opening in Athens, so in its honour, I embarked on my own Olympic sized event – ‘the London Clubathalon’.

Mincing through the doors of Popcorn at Heaven (on Friday, rather than its usual Monday), I couldn’t help but think that this is the ultimate way to wave goodbye to your working week. Camps as tits gay guys, ‘str8s’, fag hags and in betweens are all up for a wild time, screaming along to top 40 hits at the top of their lungs. There was not a care in my world as I joined them, until I looked at the projected screen and realised – Kermit the Frog (of Muppets fame) appeared to be having his minge inspected by a doctor. Maybe the £2 drinks had had quite an effect on me by then, but I was quite taken aback because a) Kermit’s a boy and b) a puppet, so shouldn’t really require medical attention. With my short attention span, this was soon forgotten and I got back to the business at hand…

After getting sufficiently hyped up, it was time for my ‘Chariot of Fire’ (aka black cab) to take the short trip to Brixton for Fusion at the Fridge. And it didn’t disappoint - outstanding lights and lasers, along with a killer sound system, means that it’s always party time at Fusion. Paul Martin, Hugh Stevenson and Gonzalo provided a night of classic tracks that kept the dancefloor pumping. New to the club as well is the men only cruise balcony – of course, it wouldn’t have been a full review had I not visited, so me and my ‘journalistic integrity’ took the walk upstairs. It’s a small cruise area, being a balcony and all, but it was moderately busy – at least a few guys up there at a time, in the booths or the couch area. It’s a brilliant idea for the club - the perfect place to peruse, choose and schmooze while you groove - and sure to take off once word catches on.

My Friday clubbing experience complete, it was time to go home for a spot of tea. Tea quickly got boring though, so when the sun went down Saturday night I was off again to DNA @ Crash for their Olympic Gold party. On the way to the club, a thought occurred to me… the 14^th of August is exactly six months after Valentines Day. Declaring a new personal holiday, ‘Half Valentines’, I went into the club with gusto to find me a man. And I couldn’t have picked a better place! DNA was teeming with hot guys – and I mean that in both senses of the word, as it was boiling in there. I actually used my sweatband for its purpose, rather than just a fashionable accessory! After a spectacular stage show with Vanity recreating the lighting of the Olympic flame, the shirts were off as people got down to the funky hard tunes - the seasoned clubbers making DNA the fantastic night it was.

At 4am, the main room was shut and the punters were moved to the rear room, as they prepared Crash Afterhours. When the main room reopened, it was like entering another world! The fairy godmother (Vanity?) had cast her wand, and at 6am the room became fit boy heaven – boys came from everywhere for their last dose of Crash Afterhours for the summer, and gave it a send off in classic style. Whether or not I made the trip home alone or not is not for disclosing in the pages of this magazine… I don’t kiss and tell! Regardless, Crash Afterhours always provided a wicked time, and will be sorely missed on the London scene as it makes way for Beyond weekly.

With one night of partying left in my mammoth weekend adventure, it was time to head to Old Street for LA3 – back in its original home, 333! Usually by this time on Sunday night, my bed beckons me with its alluring, irresistible siren song in the note of ‘zzz’, but there’s nothing like LA3 to perk me up again. Carlton, Crisco and Severino pumped funky house in the main room while Rolf & Don Grant kicked in the basement with freestyle dance classics. Two floors crammed with delectable characters helped round off my ‘Clubathalon’ event - though by the end of my weekend, I was in such a state I’d probably qualify for the paralympics...

Well, with this week’s partying done, it’s time to start planning the next! You snooze, you lose – and the clubs in London are getting intense in preparation for August’s Bank Holiday weekend – though by the sounds of it, it should be renamed the ‘Bank Holiday Bender’.

Join the commotion in Vauxhall at Action on Saturday the 4^th of September, as special guest DJ Paul Christian joins Fabio White, Rob Sykes and Gonzalo for seven hours of hedonism on London’s largest and busiest dancefloor. Guys will be flocking for the huge outside terrace and stunning visual show. Don’t forget, Action Queen is on this Bank Holiday weekend.

DJ Alex Taylor from Australia takes over the decks at Heaven’s flagship night for an exclusive performance on Saturday the 21^st of August. Expect vocal house and euphoric anthems galore as gorgeous go-go’s and divas in drag entertain – with reduced bar prices all night.

Don’t miss your chance to win a pair of leather chaps at Hard On this Saturday. A very pervy performance from Italy’s MYSLOVE is promised, and DJs Hugo’sland, EJ Doubell, Halo, Little Miss Natalie, Chris H, Jack Chang and Brent Nicholls. Fans of the club will no doubt be delighted to hear it celebrates its first birthday next month – expect the party to be in classic Hard On style…

Men only SLEAZE returns to Crash this Friday the 20^th of August as they present the official DVD launch party for ’Daddy and the Muscle Academy’ – the only film to be made about Tom of Finland, one of the gay world’s true icons. Crash will be transformed into Tom’s world with visuals, shows and go-go boys – which are sure to get punters salivating. DJs for the night include Severino and Baby David.

Johnny Hollywood and Friends host the next Gorgios at the Rex on the 29^th of August. To celebrate Madonna’s tour, the ‘Girlie Show’ will be broadcast on the club’s state of the art cinema, and DJs Junior J, Danny, Dave Cross and David Rogers will provide funky house music.

Gayfest 2004 hits Popcorn on Monday the 30^th of August for its explosive finale to celebrate the release of Gayfest Annual – a double CD album featuring the UK’s leading NRG dance divas, producers and DJs. Don’t miss the stage show at 12:30am – it’s gonna be a big one.

Wednesday night has been turned on its head by Diskocreme at Café de Paris. The next instalment on the 18^th of August promises to be mindblower, with trendy cute boys and girls giving the club a fantastic vibe – as well as the Clubs’ sexy dancer boys adding a bit of spice to your mid-week party.

XXL takes it extra large for their regular Saturday night at The Arches. Two dancefloors heave to the sounds of regular DJs Christian M, Mark Ames and Mario, and punters can chill out in the bar or the garden. Brumies also get a taste of XXL as it goes up north this Friday, the 20^th of August. Club DV8 will be full of bears and cubs from Birmingham and surrounding areas, as well as the regular crews who come from London and Manchester. Don’t forget XXL Wednesday for your midweek party needs, and coming soon - XXL’s 4^th Birthday. Stay tuned for more news…

The next mammoth explosion of Orange energy hits London in this months Bank Holiday weekend. Orange remains one of the most talked about parties of the moment, providing the dedicated clubber with that unique funky ‘Orange’ sound. The juicy fruits on the decks will include Hugh Stevenson, The Oli, Stevie B and special guest DJ Paul Heron in room two.

A:M continues to bring on the weekend in style on Friday night / Saturday morning at Fire. Cutting edge funky, chunky tech house will be served up by the A:M regulars Severino, Sharp Boys, David Jimenez and The Oli.

Alan Thompson House Session rocks Discotec at The End on Thursday the 26^th of August for a massive five hour set. Thursday is the new Friday, and with Discotec providing rocking nights like this, it’s no wonder. Get down there and party like you don’t have to work Friday!

Add a bit of cheek to your Bank Holiday weekend with Rude Boyz on Sunday the 29^th of August. Horny lads in tracks will be thumping Fire for this ruder rude, larger than life event. New sexy cage performers, Amsterdam Cruise cabins, hot’n’horny cinema, and amateur strip show – what more could you ask for?

Turnmills is set to rock with Trade’s annual Tony De Vit tribute night. The original afterhours club brings Tony’s very own music collection to the party with his protégé and special guest Fergie keeping his spirit alive. And as if that wasn’t enough, it’s also Trade Lite’s 7^th birthday!

London’s goes Latino as Manteca launches at the Freedom Bar on Friday nights from the 27^th of August. DJs playing fusions of cubana, rumba, guaguanco, and flamenco mix with Cuban and Brazilian trained percussionists to bring you the best Latin celebration night this side of the Atlantic.

Following the last riotous river party held over the spring bank holiday, Radio Egypt and Council band together again to bring you summers final fling on Bank Holiday Monday the 30^th of August. Pitching the Egyptians against the Romans, the afternoon promises to be a toga party of orgiastic proportions. Boat boards at Embankment Pier at 2:30pm, and returns at 7:30pm – just in time for the shipwreck party at the George and Dragon from 8pm.

With the approaching Bank Holiday weekend giving most people Monday off, expect DTPM to be filled to the rafters with up for it punters getting down to three rooms of funky tunes provided by Ariel, Kinky D, Miguel Pellitero, Alan Thompson and others.

Norman Jay gets the party started right with Luke Howard and DJ Supadon at Queer Nation on Saturday the 21^st of August at Substation South. The third and final instalment of Queer Nation’s collaboration with O2 music is expected to be a sell out event, and for good reason – happy hour runs until midnight, O2 promo teams kick the party along giving demos and again, Norman Jay! Queer Nation also goes large on Bank Holiday weekend – twice! Saturday night, DJ Disciple will be taking you on a journey through tribal house to 70’s disco, soulful and jazzy house, and back to the present with uplifting underground sounds. Sunday then sees the The Bump and Queer Nation Carnival Party at Sound – one room of house and r’n’b to complete your Bank Holiday weekend.

Down the dark alleys of Kings Cross, Fiction becomes reality with The Cross’s regular Friday night. Expect clubbers to be starting their weekends in style on the 27^th of August, for what is set to be a mammoth Bank Holiday weekend. Guy Williams, Miguel Pellitero and Malcolm Duffy kick it under the arches for your start to a weekend of hedonism.

Do I look like a slut? That’s question Miss-shapes will be asking as Avenue D perform at the Ghetto on Thursday the 2^nd of September for what should be a slinging session. Indie kids will not doubt be there with bells on, following on from the party held this Thursday 19^th of August – Miss-Shapes UK versus Miss-Shapes NYC. DJ Greg K is coming all the way from New York City for a fun filled night, where the only winners will be those who attend.

Megawoof will be hosting an extra party for the last Bank Holiday of the year on Saturday the 28^th of August due to popular demand. Expect horny, hairy hunky goings on and music to stimulate where other clubs can’t reach. Make a note in your diary as well – the much anticipated and requested Leatherwoof returns on Saturday the 3^rd of September.

Coming at you like a bitch slap from Hell, your favourite alternative party queens are moving your favourite party into your favourite venue – the Ghetto gets mouthy as Pottymouth takes up residency from Monday the 13^th of September. The crew that brought you Club Motherfucker, Daughters of Kaos, now host this all girl vox party in your pants. Don’t miss this fun night for foul-mouthed boys and girls who love a chick who doesn’t know when to quit.

Electrogogo is set to rock your Thursday nights again with their grand re-opening at Zoo on Thursday the 9^th of September. Steve Strange / Visage and The Modern play live, with usual resident DJs Mark Moore, Frankie D and Roi. The club will keep rocking each Thursday with guests for September including Mechanical Cabaret, Noblesse Oblige and Juju Babies.